Jar of hearts

"You're gonna catch the cold from the ice inside your soul."

This awesome sentence is one of reasons why I love Jar of hearts song. I'm not sad neither unhappy. I just love this beautiful song. In everyday life, there are things I'm not pleased with. Everything could be better. I could speak more and be more positive. Christmas holidays ended. School began. It went well, I spend time with my friend. I past a social science test. I like social science. I'd like to study it but I'm not going to be lawyer or psychologist. I'll do something what I'll love. I need to work in friendly environment with motivation. I don't wanna just surviving day by day.

Dear self and anyone of you, who sometimes feel this way...

It's something like my sentimental dream. I'll be girl who run away for better life. Years at high school will ends one day. In 3 years and 4 months exactly. Things which are important for me now, maybe won't be matter in couple months. I'm growing up. One day I'll live somewhere faraway and everything what makes me miserable will be only a memory. I don't know how I know it, but I will run away. After high school will start best holidays ever. Traveling through Germany (and through whole world perhaps) and spending time with people I love. I'll move to another city. I know that there is a place for me somewhere out there. I won't go to class reunion after 20 year. I'll never look back. I won't care about how much their life changed. I'll be somebody else, strong enough to don't go to class reunion. I'll be assertive. Perhaps I'll change my name so they will never find me, lol. I won't want to reminisce with them. I won't be afraid anymore. I'll be myself. I'll live my own way. I'll meet my lost friend. I will make myself and my parents proud. I'll be happy and free.

At school we had to discuss in English, but I've got problem to discuss in my home language neither. We have to spend time with people who doesn't mean anything for us, we almost don't know who they are. Talk. About what? Sometimes It's not easy to devise topic of conversation. I'm just watching my life wonder what if and daydreaming at school. Some lessons are like infinity. I don't wanna complain. My life is alright except of moments when someone have notes about me. Is it funny?! If person who is sitting next to me says: "Kathryn is missing. No, you're here." and started laughed. Like he wouldn't noticed my existence. He don't mean it serious, so I smile, but do he really think that this is funny? I don't laughed at all. I'm trying to not care but it hurts, when someone has fun at the expense of me. They are not my enemies, they usually act nice with me. But when they are not so it just hurts, that's all. Silence is better than bullshit. 

I'm alone in a crowded room in schooldays.
I've never belong to my class. I'll always be the weird one. I don't want to change myself. I don't want to go to parties or out with my classmates. I'm weak and I don't believe in myself. I should not care about what people thinks about me. But I do care even if I'm smiling and pretending that everything is OK. At this planet are so many people having worse life. My life is fine, except few moments. I don't feel lonely now. I'm happy.

Why 30 is the Perfect Age?

When I was younger (about 13 year) my best friend told me: "I would like to wake up as a 30 year old women, like in movie "13 Going on 30", but I wouldn't like to give back on 13 year."

I was suprised. I was thinking about it. She would like to throw away 20 years of her life?! I didn't understand her. I didn't want to be 30. I wanted to live whole my life, not jump from 13 year to 30 year. Even if I knew that it might be good life in 30 year.

Why am I writing this? Because I remembered on this lifestory few days ago. Three years after. I realized that I finally understand my best friend! I was just siting in my room and I thinking about it. She wanted to have perfect life - lovely husband, cute children, beautiful family house, good job and maybe lots of money. We've always wanted to live perfect lifes. Now I know that year 30 doesn't mean that you have perfect life. People have problems in every age. But I think that if you are 30 you can do anything you want. You can have any hobby, do anything. People won't think that you are weird if you don't go to a party or if you do something unordinary. Sure if you are 30, you can't wear eccentric clothes, but I would not do it in any age. People are adult so they don't judge you so much as they did when you were younger. Few days ago, I felt like I'd like to become 30 old. Maybe I just wanted to have that perfect life. I'd like to run away out of everything. I knew that I idealize it ... and also I must live today. We weren't silly... we knew that if you are 30 it doesn't mean that everything is perfect. But it was something like our dream. We just believed in better future. Moreover she thought that I'm city girl. No, I am not. But I always wanted to be.

weheartit.com

Sometimes I'm looking forward to be 30. I don't really know why not 25 or 27 or 35...it's just 30. Today I found that *girl who was my best friend when we were younger* still want to be 30 year old. It suprised me. We will never be old to dream about future. I'd like to see my face when I will read it 30 year old. Hope I won't be much disappointed in myself.

I wanna add something about movie "13 Going on 30". My best friend loved it, but I didn't. I actually did not like movie, main character has a best friend. He was a fat boy. My best friend had similar fat best friend. I didn't like him. At the end of story main character married that fat boy. I was disgusted. It remind me that *girl who was my best friend when we were younger* is now dating with her (ugly) fat best friend. OMG! I wouln't like to find out for several years that she married him. Wouldn't I? They would live their boring lifes. In ordinary family house with annoying children and a mortgage. She would teach children in kindergarden and her fat husband would be a cook. They are really going to have this jobs. She would have ordinary boring life, nothing special. She would not be desperate, she would be just an average woman. If I meet her I would enjoy it, maybe...just a little bit. Or a lot?